to be loved by me

I process and process, and still it hurts.

The fact that I am the one who always has to suffer before feeling loved.

How every interaction I partake in is someone loving me after I've loved them.

I feel as though I understand that this is now my task at hand—to love someone so much that they feel confident they won't need my love anymore, only to yearn for it once I've walked away.

I fall immediately for everyone around me. Very quickly, I find myself seeing the beauty in every single person. I understand them to my deepest core and love so hard. I've now found it in me to not lose myself in that process and instead accept that it is my God-given gift to love selflessly and unconditionally to those around me, just as God has done for me.

But still, if I allow myself a moment to think about the reality of it, it does hurt.

How I take what someone gives me, I accept it, I nurture it, cater to it, I respect it, honor it, and in some weird way, it scares them to be loved so purely… then they either push me away or eventually walk away.

And I stay.

And I wait.

And when they return, I forgive; I forget.

Start fresh.

Until the pattern makes me dizzy, and I am ready to get off the roller coaster...

Then the love shows up.

Then the appreciation makes its appearance.

Then the acknowledgment is there.

Why can't I be like other girls who get fallen in love with quickly?

Sometimes I allow myself a moment to think negatively—maybe it's my appearance… maybe it's my personality… maybe I am just too much?

But funny enough, in the end, these are the things that bring them back.

I've accepted this is what it is.

The moment I open another book, like clockwork, this begins.

I know I can break the cycle, but honestly, I don't want to. I love to love.

Don't tell me to stop; honestly, I won't. And by asking that of me, you are only asking me to change myself, and to that, I absolutely refuse.