compartmentalize

I'm not completely sure I've been given the tools to get through everything life throws my way.

See, I have a problem with wanting to do everything on my own, hoping that it builds strength and character while constantly being told I should relieve myself of it and accept the help.

Then my mind changes, and now I feel like I do have all the tools. I am strong enough. I do not need anyone.

Such a deceiving game to play—the way the mind plays tricks on one. The way stress, heartache, and loneliness impact the train of thought.

I do not fear the future as I once did. This present really feels like a gift. But I am eager to fast forward sometimes. Sometimes the solitude I feel is comforting, while the opposing need to be held is more appealing.

I've mastered a level of sober maturity that I hope remains when I drink, although lately, she’s shown me otherwise, and I believe it makes me extremely upset.

I recognize that to some—those who don’t know me—I may not know my mistakes. Let me reassure you that I really fucking do. If you are my critic, believe me, I've found a way to make my self-critique worse.

So many lessons to learn, so many microscopes on me. I wanted, at one silly moment, to be famous, but fuck, why are everyone's opinions so extremely negative?

Then back to the deceptive game my mind plays. Should I instead trust their judgment? Allow myself to be placed in a box?

No.

I changed my mind and threw that thought out the moment I wrote it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I truly want the best for myself. There's no linear path to navigate through life. It's impossible. I know who I want to be. I can compartmentalize everything important to me, and I know that scares you. That I don't have to walk around depressed when my situation is depressing. I understand it's worrisome that I look fine on the outside when on the inside everything has fallen apart. I'm not three seconds away from a breakdown. I am really good when I say I am. That doesn't mean I don't think about it or that I'm oblivious. But just as the Bible has said, "Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning." That is me. I am okay. I will always be okay. Alone or with someone. I was built that way. I know good comes to those who wait. I know I am deserving. I know what I bring to the table. I know that scares you. I cannot apologize that it does. I can only wish the best for you. I can only wish you feel this way also.