egocentric

It's been a while since I’ve had the guts to write an entry in journal form.

I know the views on this blog are going up, and there's a sense of imposter syndrome that takes over me. I'm not a writer; I just like to write. I have goals and ambitions with my writing, and I hope I do not allow the fear of others to keep me from achieving them.

I believe that there are so many distortions of reality we face within our own minds. Things really are not always as we see them, and the philosophy behind understanding that every single action of the day feeds into the perception of the outcome is exhilarating if you allow it to be. You can shape yourself to believe several truths all at once. It is a blessing! We are shapeshifters. We have the power to be upset or happy. We have the power to believe we are writers or frauds. We have the power to take offense at someone's comment or laugh it off. What a beautiful thing. Let it be a beautiful thing.

Me? Well, I am a student. I am learning how to put this into practice. I actually feel like now more than ever, I can take a step back and be whoever I want to be in any given moment. Of course, there are times I'm tired or ill when I cannot do it as well, but for the most part, yes, I am working on it.

For example, something that has been very heavy on my mind is what we throw at someone regarding our own feelings and then the expectation we set for them to throw it back to make ourselves feel better. A common example of this is when we tell someone we miss them. The underlying feeling is the sense of missing connection with that person. We want that connection. We want to feel connected. So we tell them, "I miss you." Now we've said it with the subconscious desire for them to say it back—because we want the connection. They do not owe us a response. What if they don't miss you? Your expectation is that you would rather be lied to. Just say it so I can get my fix of connection. It's actually a very horrible trait that a lot of us carry.

Now, if they don't say it, we feel upset. Sometimes we even go the extra mile to ask, "You don't miss me?" The difficult part I face in this chain of events is that the courteous thing to do is to say it back. But is it? Is it better to say a lie? When did that become the better option?

I believe that if everyone just said what they felt and were honest about their feelings and the actions behind why they do what they do, the world would not be so manipulative and hurt. Can we say a compliment to someone without wanting one back? Can we not take away from someone's compliment and make it about ourselves? When did we become so self-centered?