sparks

He’s in the cycle that never ends.

It’s a runaway train, his constant trend.

He knows everything she says is spot‑on.

He has no idea how he became such a con.

She was his map.

He found safety resting his head on her lap.

She was the only thing in life he knew fit right.

He was sure they wouldn’t go down without a fight.

But she’s gone.

And he’s made it painfully obvious it’s time to move on.

He wants her to do all the work and ease the pain.

She knows it’s an insult to follow him onto the train.

The phone calls scream “No Caller ID.”

He needs an excuse to yell at her, “The problem wasn’t me!”

He’ll take the trip.

It'll ruin what is left of their relationship.

He'll justify it and say it’s because she didn't answer any of his calls,

but she shouldn't have to do the same desperate pick‑me crawls.

He'll hate himself for not trying.

He'll spend his entire life lying.

She'll move forward and not look back.

Nothing will steer her off track.

She'll press forward despite being full of nerves.

She knows whatever he offers her is far less than she deserves.

It's painfully clear.

If he loved her the way he claimed, he would be here.

He’ll try so hard to fill her void,

But all he'll build will soon be destroyed.

 

hawaii

the exasperated breaths

chest up and down

hands shaking

"how have I found myself holding onto hope yet again?"

on the other line he whispers to her, "I don't know why I am here. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to get off this island."

what's the point anymore

yet she hopes he does

contact is blocked

she's done

it's been long enough

unblocked, and repeats the pattern — expressing the excruciating, overwhelming pain, knowing yet again he escapes his reality to someone who accepts less so he would never have to be more.

blocked again.

for months the narrative was to heal. to be alone with God.

and despite that being the truth, she knew the underlying reason was ounces of hope he'd come back better.

he emails her. "i need affirmation."

she thinks to herself, "affirmation? seriously? the affirmation should be the fact you're even sending this email on your anniversary trip with another woman!"

face in hands, tears pouring

she reads over the texts

"i don't ever want to live life without you. do you ever feel that way?"

suddenly ten years of life flash in her mind

hitting her like bullets to the gut

the same pattern

the photos

the voicemails

the desperate voice on the other line

"while flying here I asked myself what the fuck I was doing"

she's nauseous

begging God, please rewire my brain to forget he exists.

pleading, God, please cut this soul tie.

the blocking doesn't work.

him moving on didn't work.

she's sick of herself for falling for it again.

yet she waits for the phone call.

yet she looks out the window wondering if he'll drive by.

yet she checks her email hoping to see his name.

again. and again. and again.

Closer Than You Know

i asked God
"will i ever find love again? did i use it all up? who will want someone like this?"

God replied...

"Love was your dad oversharing about the downfall of his marriage to make sure you felt comforted on what would have been your third wedding anniversary.

Love was your sister shouting at the top of her lungs defending you.

Love was the dozens of messages you received during the most traumatic week of your life—Bible verse after Bible verse flooding your inbox.

Love was the interview with the gentleman who made it so very clear you were exactly what they were looking for.

Love was the Wednesday morning walks where you were reminded what God-fearing men look like.

Love was the free bagel at Yeastie Boys and the free coffee at Blue Bottle, both from respectful men—on the day you cried to me, just before leaving the house, that you hate men.

Love was that the day you needed My comfort the most, I gave you an entire day at church.

Love was the young man who willingly understood My assignment to bear one another’s burdens—and bore yours.

Love was the waves reminding you that you are alive!

Love was the donut you shared every Sunday with your brother in Christ.

Love was your nurse practitioner who looked deep into your eyes and said, "He may never apologize, but truly, I am so sorry this happened."—and hugged you the way only a mother knows how to hug.

Love was your best friend who said, "I'm your girl. Whatever you decide, I'm game."

My beloved, love is all around you. Stop trying to define it on your terms, and open yourself up to seeing how I define it.

Look around and see the blessing you're living in—how love chases after you with every step you take.

I love you, and I move the world in your favor when you fix your eyes on Me.

Do not lose hope. You are so close to a breakthrough.

Persevere.

I'm right here with you.
I want you.
I chase after you.

Beloved, you are love."

Psalm 34:18

i need you today just as much as i needed you yesterday.
i'll need you tomorrow too.
and the day after that.

i want to be drenched in all of you.
submerge me in your Holy Spirit.

Lord, turn your ear to my desperate cry for you.
i am on my hands and knees, in awe of your Holy Spirit moving throughout me.
truthfully, not even grateful enough.
yet so grateful you don't keep score.

i find it hypocritical to say i humble myself before you,
because in my low moments, you make me equally as high.
at your feet — the highest place i will ever be.
please don't turn away from me, ever.

cleanse me.
change everything about me if you want.
take it all.
if it's not you, i don't want it.

i am clinging to your every word, my God.

and through this tainted, impure, unclean, broken version of myself — my worst —
you somehow only saw my best.

it's hard for my small mind to comprehend, Lord,
that you chose someone like me to live a testimony.

how you threw the shame the moment it crept in.
how you cast away the negativity that chased after.
how you managed to replace all the voids with you.
how you saved me from myself, every day.
despite my unbelief.
despite my doubt.
despite my anger.
despite my pride.

you still chose me.
and you'll choose me today, just as much as yesterday.
you'll choose me tomorrow too.
and the day after that.

everything is romantic

for months, it was impossible to miss you.

for months, it was unbearable to hold a conversation with you.

but in this stillness, my heart aches for the visions of what could have been:

the baby being held by the shirtless man,
the fire of knowing we came back stronger from the abyss of heartbreak,
the hands raised in surrender—
and all thanks to God,
the trips to everywhere we never went.

it's all a memory that never happened—
a vision of what could have been,
and what never was.

so vivid
i cry on command.

this is similar to a death.
i grieve the loss of these three things:
what was,
what never was,
and
visions of what could have been.

echoes of faith

fast. fast. fast.

I have been told on many occasions how much of a blessing it is to fast—how much clarity you receive from God when you rely solely on Him.

Never did I think I would be able to withstand 3 days without coffee.

When I’ve fasted in the past, I found myself saying, “I’ll do intermittent fasting and focus on God in the moments of hunger,” but I still gave in to the desires of the flesh—e.g., not giving up coffee. These fasts were enlightening, yes, and I did receive some clarity, but I found myself craving something deeper. Something more profound.

I was called to go deeper.

And I did.
Three days. No food. Just water.

But I didn’t feel anything.

There was no wow moment—until the very last day.

During my fast, my mind would constantly wander. I was reflecting on the past year of my life. Thinking about the future. While reading the Word, I would find myself distracted, drifting into thoughts of people or past interactions. I didn’t feel a sense of closeness to God.

That’s when I realized what God was calling me to do.

I was called to intimacy.

As a human, the flesh is constantly attempting to play us. “But what if…” “But what about this…”

I found myself thinking so much more about other people, places, or things rather than God Himself during my fast.

How can I start a revival? How can I communicate God’s love? What is my testimony going to be? How can I talk to this person, and what will I tell that person? How can I go here while honoring God?

In the midst of all the chaos, I knew what God was saying:

You love Me, and if you love Me, you need to trust Me.
I will give you the words.
I will give you the directions.
I will not only be beside you, but inside of you, leading the way.
You need only to be still and obedient.

And that alone brought me to tears, because all I strive for is to be obedient.
Not just because it pleases God, but honestly, His ways are truly so much better.

We never understand why God does things the way He does, and trying to understand is simply not our job.
We are not called to understand.
We are called to trust.

And something I’ve learned is: if I do things my way, I fail. Every time.

So what does intimacy look like?

Well, I heard God say He wanted to spend mornings together.

After not eating for 3 days, I feel like I have a newfound source of energy. It’s very difficult to describe. I feel almost like I am on fire for God. I knew this was God-given—to help me be successful in having these intimate mornings with Him.

So I sit in it.
The night before, I meditate on who I will pray over. I write a list.
And in the morning, I pray it aloud.
Whether that’s in my living room or on my patio.

I read a chapter of Psalms.
And I sit in silence.

The thing about God is: when you call on Him, He shows up.
He likes to be invited into your days.

So me asking Him to show up somehow clears my mind of everything else.

Also, my church is ending our series on “Loving Our Neighbor,” but the lessons from this will follow me forever.
I find that spending time in prayer for other people has made me focus less on myself.
The ruminating thoughts and anxieties—they just slip away.
I want to hear what God wants me to know, or work on.
I want more of Him.

The point of this is to urge you:

If you are in a place of confusion,
At a fork in the road,
Or just… lost:

Fast.

Matthew 7:7–8

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Be obedient to what He asks of you—because truly, God is supernatural.

His ways are something our little minds cannot understand.

Isaiah 55:8–9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

So if He calls you to a season of deleting your dating apps and just focusing on your relationship with Him—do it.

If He calls you to reach out to that person you’ve been avoiding—do it.

If He calls you to just be grateful and speak that gratitude aloud every day—do it.

I pray God be a lamp to our feet, constantly guiding us.

I love you!

LEMONADE

ONE YEAR OF WRITING!!!

Wow.
I did not want to write this.
Let me tell you.

These words are strictly coming from God nudging me.
It feels as though He is forcing me—okay, not forcing—more like encouraging me to reflect on the past year of my life because whoaaaa have things absolutely changed for me.

I am almost unrecognizable from a year ago.
I write this with 20% left on my laptop, so bear with the urgency in my tone. I feel God pressing on me to post this.

I started this blog with hopes to express my journey out of my 20s.
It very quickly transformed into a safe place for me to be creative, to write out visions that God was giving me for my personal life, and somewhere I could escape my reality.

Most nights I wrote with tears in my eyes, and other nights I wrote with such a joy that I could not help but let my fingers do the talking.

But that’s beside the point—let’s go back to how the year has gone.

When I started the blog, I was writing mainly in escapism. I was severely depressed and lost. I was very confused with my life and its purpose. I actually used some of my blogs to establish a foundation I could look back on.

Soon after starting the blog, I encountered God.
I cannot tell you an exact moment, because He found me in several moments.
I was very broken.

My entire view on life was so—fucked.

My view on men, sex, attention, purpose, love, friends, money—even God—was sooo twisted.

There’s something I cannot truly explain, but when you decide to live for God, and you make that choice in your heart, things change.

I don’t mean that suddenly life goes your way—it actually absolutely will not.

Following God has been something extremely painful.
They say you have to die to yourself.
I can testify: it feels like a literal death.
It is unbearable at times.

I look to my mentors who have been following God for years, and I look up to them so much because I know what they went through to be on this side.

But it is so beautiful on this side.

The way I maneuver through life is just… different.

The flesh is something I fall victim to every day. I am not perfect.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9

I know I am now viewed as this ultra-religious person, who you probably feel you cannot relate to anymore.

It’s true—if you met me at a bar or an afters or a club or anywhere Beks used to frequent, we very likely won’t have much to relate to.
But I promise you, that won’t change how I see you.
You are still welcome at my home.
You are still welcome to sit with me and have a meal.
And more importantly, I am still 1000% here for you if you ever need anything.

I don’t know why I felt that was important to share.

I guess there are parts of me that God kept intact. ;)

But truly, I recognize the biggest change was just my love for people. My desire to be of service has only increased.

There’s a Forrest Frank song that says:

“Take my heart, Lord, here it is
’Til I have nothing left to give
Take my mind, Lord, here I am
Until all I have is Your plan.”

This is exactly how I feel.

As I sit here in my tiny apartment in the middle of LA, I feel so grateful that every morning I get to feel God and be corrected and fine-tuned into the woman He has called me to be.

I will do anything for God.
I truly surrender my entire life.
He can have everything—I know none of it belongs to me.
If it means that I am seen as a daughter living in obedience in His eyes, truly that’s all I care for.

Okay, if you’ve stayed this long—thank you for reading.

I love to write. I always have.
I am not a writer, and I’ve recognized I do not plan on going anywhere with this blog.
In that comes so much extreme freedom.
I do not expect to write a book or be published in Vogue.
As much as I loved Carrie from Sex and the City, I believe that ship has sailed for me.

But I will continue to process my journey into my 30s, just a little differently—because I am not alone anymore. :)

I pray over whoever is reading this.

I pray that they get to know You, Lord.
I pray that if they have any hurt, any pain, any broken part of them, that they find comfort in You as they read this.
I pray that You show up in their life and they get a taste of how sweet it is to be called beloved by You, Lord.
I pray that You break any chains that keep them captive to the lies they’ve been fed about religion and You, God.
I pray that You overwhelm them with Your presence in a way that they can no longer escape You and Your love.
Thank You for their life, Lord.
I pray that they see themselves as You see them, God.
Thank You for Your constant blessings and forgiveness.
In Your holy name, amen.

Love you.

no longer bound

a series of reflections

the man whistling at you as he drives by is not your husband.
neither is the handsome man with the nice car who makes eye contact with you and rolls his window down to catcall you.
that is lust.
not love.

the man at the bar who walked over, slurring his words and buying you shot after shot, is not your husband.
he is escaping his reality and feeding his ego with the facade of a successful man who can throw money around and use alcohol to impair your judgment and lure you in.
he does this often. you’re not different.

the man seen at every party, is not your husband. he's dating to pass time and fulfill his flesh's desires, not dating to marry. do not act surprised when he pretends to not know you when he sees you again, or when you see him with another girl. you are just a part of the list. 

the man who broke up with you is not your husband.
he does not like you.
this doesn’t mean you’re not likable.
you are also likely struggling with feeling rejected.
this is something you have to unlearn.

if you are working on yourself and trying to show up every day as the best version of yourself—the one God has called you to be—your husband will find you.
you will not need to beg someone to love you.
the long paragraphs are a waste of your time.
move on.

the man who is married or in a relationship with someone else is literally not your husband.
wake up.
your love started with lust and hurt.
this was set up to fail.
no, it’s not “different with you,” even though he said it was.
you are engaging in sexual immorality and you will not see the kingdom of God.
but more than that—to you non-believers—your foundation is being built on sand, and what you reap, you will sow.
if he loved you, he would have chosen you.
again, this doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of being chosen.
but ask yourself: why are you settling for someone who is not giving you 100% of himself?

the man who is confused about his feelings for you does not love you.
he is likely struggling with something inside himself, and that is not your journey to walk him through.
this is not your cross to carry.
God says when it’s from Him, it is not confusing.

the man who says he’s not ready to be in a relationship, doesn’t want a relationship with you. you won’t change his mind. you’re living in hope of something that is completely out of your control. he knows your value, he doesn’t care to lose it, it doesn’t mean you’re not valuable. he’s just not your husband and continuing to stay emotionally attached will only harm you. he doesn’t care as much as you think he does. he doesn’t want to be with you, he said it, believe it. 

as the unapologetic Christian woman I am, I know:
the man who does not have enough self-control to wait until marriage is not my husband.
the man who cannot see God as real is not my husband.
the man who cannot love God more than himself is not my husband.
the man who cannot deny himself every single day to follow a Christ-like life is not my husband.

compromise does not mean bending boundaries.
stand firm in your foundation.
make it a solid foundation that will withstand all temptation and persecution.

I know God can choose a better partner than I can, and I trust fully that He will.

this does not mean I have free rein to do whatever I want.
this means I use this season of my life to add the most value to myself.
I use this time to make mistakes that redirect me onto a better path—
not mistakes that lead me to death.

you want to be a wife,
act like a wife.

you want a wife?
act like a husband.

uncle ace

phone calls after she leaves
text messages while she's asleep
refreshing the blog's website
my profile is the only one in your history
long voicemails with a trembling voice
desperate emails
hanging with people you don't actually like
trying to show up in a way for her that will prove you are capable

---

phone on do not disturb
not a single person to text
writing to heal
no Instagram active
call log is empty
notifications only from volunteer services
hanging with people I love
trying to show up in a way for myself that will make God proud

---

it's not about who's better than who
it's not about who's living a more "righteous" life
it's not about who's happier

it's about getting off the merry-go-round
it's about making a choice and sticking to it
it's about taking the knife out of your own back
and not using it to hurt anyone else

how you feel - anotr

We're driving in the car. He steps out, and it doesn't cross my mind to review the call log staring at me on the screen.

I arrive home, exhausted from the day, and there's takeout—unpacked and plated—with a freshly made mocktail waiting for me.

We're walking the reservoir, and I'm feeling emotional due to the disconnect we've had this week. Before I know it, his hand reaches for mine, almost like a reflex. It felt like—why wouldn’t his hand be in mine, regardless of how off this week has felt?

We're at our Sunday service, and I turn to see his hands lifted in surrender to God. Full humility, no worry about who is looking. Seeking only to honor and humble himself before the Lord.

It's time to buy a house, and the down payment comes from our joint account—the one he never made me feel was all because of him.

His direct deposit is set to give 10% of his earnings straight to our church. It was never a question, never a conversation. It’s been like this since before I knew him.

He speaks with patience and love to our children—never accusatory, never angry.
He apologizes when he's wrong and loves their momma openly, wet kisses and all.

And the stretch marks never stopped him from loving me all night long.

His love does not feel performative, nor avoidant.

His love feels earned—a lifetime of difficult choices and battles with the flesh.

His love feels grateful. He knows I was made from his rib, and he's so thankful to share this life with me.

I felt worthy from God and God alone before I knew him, but oh, how he confirms every single day that I am so worthy of loving.